It was necessary
“Your existence is evidence that this generation needs something that your life contains”
– Dr. Myles Monroe
Let’s start from the beginning of my existence. I was born on January 6, 1989. My mother had trouble giving birth to me. Although I was ready to be born, I was facing the wrong direction (breached). A mid-wife had to come assist my mother and my writer and turn me in the right direction from my mom to give birth. I feel like my life has been filled with the need for turns.
Have you ever felt that life was unfair? Like you did nothing to deserve what was happening.
First, I needed a turn growing up in both church and school when rejection made me feel like I was the outcast. I received a call from an older believer just the other day. She said how proud she was of me, but she said I remember how to yourself you were as a child growing up in the church. In church, I felt like opportunities were given to the kids who could sing, so until I found my place, as one who loved to be a speaker, I felt invisible. However, after the discovery, I was the first one ready to share the Sunday School lesson, teach my teen class as a teenager, and the adult class as a college student. It looked like a turn. Then, In School, I felt rejection when I was left out because I was always the new kid to the school. I went to 3 different elementary school because we kept having to move as a child. Then everything seemingly changed when my family had a level of stability for me to go to the same middle and high schools where I had lasting friendships. It looked like a turn.
Second, I needed a turn after being molested as a child by a female cousin. The breaking of my innocence before I was in the 3rd grade caused me to indulge in behavior with kids and family members because of a confusion of my sexuality and a lust drive that had been stimulated without my consent. It was not until I was in the 3rd grade that my mom found me engaging in inappropriate behavior that she disciplined me for, and it was at that moment that it clicked that this secret behavior was truly not correct. The awareness in the moment seemed like a turn.
Third, I needed a turn unexpectedly at 17 when my cycle stopped unexpectedly. Initially, I was told I was pregnant at a patient first location without ever being sexually involved with a male. I was confused and completely terrified. As a result, I went to see an OBGYN, and I had a male doctor perform a pap smear. It was horrifying for me, but the turn seemingly came when they told me I was not pregnant and to take birth control for my cycle to return. However, immaturely stopped taking them because my mom talked about weight gain and not having sex. It seemed silly, but I was dealing with a hormonal imbalance, which meant it was something I needed.
Finally, I needed a turn after marrying my college sweetheart at a Justice of the Peace location in 2012 because in 2016, he told in the downstairs area of our 2 bedroom townhouse sitting on top of our tan coach without any sign of regret that he wanted to walk away from the marriage. Things were too far gone. My heart dropped, but I had already suspected it. In desperation to save my marriage, I told him we could work through it, but he left. Later, he came back and the plan was for this to never happen again. It seemed like a turn.
My life has been filled with a need for turns. Though it seemed like turns at different stages, the truth is that things were really just being swept under the rug. I still battled with the pain of rejection, molestation, insecurity, abandonment, and infertility. I was afraid to be me in front of the world. However, my heart and service for God put me in places where he could still use me. Unfortunately, I was leading with a mask on, and I would eventually not be able to keep up the masquerade. It would be that every no and then my mask would fall, and I would go into hiding until the coast was clear. Then, I would get up and move like nothing happened. I was hurting, and I was afraid of so many things. My life needed a real turn.
In 2019, everything came to a climax in my life. I could no longer keep up the masquerade. My marriage was on the brink of ending forever. AS a result, I say and evaluated the things I did, and I was unsure if it was ever truly what God had planned for me. Was I really walking in my purpose, or was I wasting my time?
There were many sleepless nights of silent cries. There were many nights of screams covered in silence. I wondered if in my delivery room my mom’s screams would be for the screams, I could not release years later. All I knew for sure was that I was ready for real change. If it meant a divorce and stopping everything I was doing, I was willing to go through with it.
Then, one lonely night in my room, I was on Facebook, and Real Talk Kim came on again for another live at 9 pm where she was preaching to individuals at night. I was laying in my bed soaking in my sorrow and distress, and tears began to run down my face as she spoke. She told me with authority and passion “Get Up.” She reminded me of my value and my purpose. It was the start of the REAL TURN. Real Talk Kim became the mid-wife who would save my life and help me deliver my purpose baby.
I learned that night that although I was going through something so heavy feeling completely alone, I was not actually alone. See, I knew God was there, but I was living in the well of my emotions. I was drowning. However, Real Talk Kim gave me language for my purpose. She helped me put God before my pain. She was the like the ladder for me to climb out of the hole of sorrow to get to the healing and freedom that God desired for me. God’s love became my everything. God allowed me to reclaim my identity. God clarified my purpose. I saw myself transform from broken to whole, lonely to secure, confused to sure, rejected to accepted, and insecure to confident. I made a decision to sit at the feet of Jesus and those who had language for my purpose, and I turned into the daughter God created me to be authentically and unapologetically.
I was no longer a victim to my circumstances. What we don’t understand in one season is preparing us for our next season. I decided to put God before my pain, and I birthed my purpose. The transformation came from the desperation that was brought on by my pain. I needed God to free me from the things that I experienced in my past and the challenges that I was presently facing. It is important that you don’t forfeit your purpose in the ugly seasons. We must get through the ugliness of our story to reach the beauty of our purpose. God is able to turn your tears into triumph. The thought of quitting may come to your mind, but the passion to walk in purpose must override.
I finally came to understand; it was necessary. I dealt with the undealt with trauma that had been able to remain in hiding for years in 2019. I took the mask of perfection off in 2019. I let God hit the restart button in my life and mission in 2019. Self- affirmations changed my life. I began to recite over my life what God said about me and what he said about my future. Sometimes you have to just prophesy over yourself. I am thankful that God accepts our best while making us better. It speaks to his love for us, and the love of God is unmatched. In that, God allowed me to reclaim my identity, and he clarified my purpose. Time is out for carrying what we are supposed to give to God.
As you transform and go through your healing process, you may have to endure for a little while: you may hear people talking about you or looking at you different, you may have flashbacks of what hurt you, and you may cry some nights, but things will get better. Don’t try to manage the façade because that’s when God can’t come in and heal the broken parts of you. He will come in like a wrecking ball to tear down every negative thought process, incorrect ideology, and lie that would be in the way of his will for your life.
We often try to figure out why like Job we had to endure. However, I learned that I can’t live in “why,” but I have to focus on understanding that no matter how difficult things are that there is still a life to live and a purpose to fulfill. When Job questions God about what he is going through, I love God’s response in Job 38:4, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the Earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.” God was letting Job know that he was still in control in the midst of unmanageable calamity in Job’s life. This is what we must understand, and it was what I had to come to understanding. The hard things in my life were not going to destroy me as long as God was with me. Job’s response was powerful also. Job 42:5, “I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eyes see you.” In other words, Job was saying, I’m sorry I questioned what was happening in my life because it was painful and confusing. It is later that God restores Job double for his trouble. From the story of Job, we learn that it was painful, but it was necessary. It was necessary for Job to experience his next level of abundance, and it was necessary for God to get the glory out of Job’s life. His life is one of the most mentioned stories in the Bible. God wants your life to be a testimony for the world to see too.
It is important that you understand a few things: 1. Your pain is preparing you. 2. Your pain is transforming you. 3. Your pain is going to allow you to experience God as you never have before. So, give God your pain and let him heal you, position yourself to learn from those who have already overcome, and embrace your journey to purpose by choosing to remove the mask.
Remember what Myles Monroe said, “Your existence is evidence that this generation needs something that your life contains.”
I am not the same woman I was in 2019. I have allowed myself to start a healing journey and process that opened up doors for me and has allowed me to now become a spiritual mid-wife to other women in leadership. I am the Fire Leadership and Life Coach, Transformation Speaker, Bestselling Author, Talk Show Host, Podcast Host, and most importantly authentic and unapologetic daughter of the God. I am partnering with God in these birthing rooms with women filled with purpose for them to release what God would have for them to release in the Earth.
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I know it may seem impossible, but things can really turn in your life too if you are willing to understand that it is necessary even when it does not seem easy. James 1:2 (NLT), “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.”
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